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Why is my husband Mr Mom?

Dear Saman,
I am writing to you because I have read a lot about your web portal Baaghi but I don’t know I should express or not. Wait, I have decided to let myself go and speak. I want to let this Baaghi woman say what is there in her heart and mind. Why she has so many questions and no answer to them.

I am struggling and my struggle is on, it is endless. I am that running horse of the race who is running without any end; without food and water. but now i am tired and need a break. i need a relaxing Vacation.

For last three years since I got married, it is I who is the bread winner of the family instead of my husband, my man the love of my life.The hardest time started when i got pregnant and lost my Job due to certain gynecological problem. So just to run my family expenses, Doctor’s fee and ultrasounds I used to ask for money from my Father. I had cravings for having Fast food but never had enough money to spend on it. One day, when my urge for having Macdonalds Beef Burger ended I simply went to my father and asked for few hundred rupees, so that i can have it.
The time went on and finally I had my baby. After having my baby, I promised myself I would never let myself be Jobless.

But my Questions to you are:
-If I can earn why can’t my Husband?
-If I can wake up early in the morning, get ready and leave for work, why can’t he?
-If I can leave my 1year old son at home, who is breastfed, and I want to be with him all day long, then why can’t he leave his comfort zone, find a job and do something?
– Why can’t he be the bread winner of my family and I be the Queen of his heart and house?
My struggle is on…………………………………………………

Need Help! Please Help!

Comments

My dearest , Thanks for sharing Keeping your lips sealed and your eyes tightly shut don’t make your issues disappear by a magic wand nor will it hurt any less then it already is. My first reaction to your letter was I rolled my eyes that oh please not another husband staying home doing nothing sitting on his lazy ass while the poor wife suffers trying to juggle things to support the household. A phenomenon very common in our society and increasing by the day. But there is more to the issue.

First and foremost let me congratulate you for being a strong willed woman who came to rescue her family in a dire situation and for riding the storm and becoming the anchor for your family in such difficult financial times while balancing work to take care of your one year old baby. Whereas the husband sit at home with zero contribution to support his family or offering to help with the baby and to do the daily chores at home to share your burden. I wonder if your in laws applaud such a strong responsible daughter in law .I hope they do.
The problem as I see it is that you cannot force a grown up Man to follow your orders and work. I see that the basic role of a husband is compromised in this situation. A husband in our society is always looked upon as the bread earner in the family .He earns respect as the bread earner of his family.

Marriage has obligations that both husband and wife need to fulfill. You can’t be the one to carry all the load of the household and as I see it you are getting mentally and physically exhausted, frustrated and more n more hurt and scared as you don’t see any hope of things changing for the better.

Let me give you the good news their is always hope. What I would suggest is to first realise what is the cause for him not working .If you think he just does not want to work for any obvious reason then its time that you address the issue .You need to talk to him and put deadlines for him to start working and lay out a daily schedule of steps he needs to take to achieve this goal .No more excuses. Get support and help from his and your family if needed to discuss the situation as a family so he knows he needs to take your and this situation serious. Please refrain from putting him down or saying harsh things to him in-front of his and your family as it will only aggravate the situation.

He needs your love, understanding and support to figure out what is blocking him from working and supporting his family. His morale and self esteem might be very low, he might be as depressed and feeling all alone and might be out right scared. So please keep the channel of communication open .You need to be caring yet firm that he needs to work and contribute in the household. You can’t carry all the load and if you can have the strength and courage to work hard and support him and your kid then he need to do the same and vice versa.
Bottom line here my dear is ” He needs to put up or shut up “.

And remember who said Marriage is easy ?. It has its ups and downs.While you are resolving this issue do take time out for yourself, try to unwind, do Yoga and meditation , surrounding yourself with positive people does help and will do wonders .To save him you need to first save yourself. You go girl! Saman H.

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